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Haiz.. I thought that I can start a fresh beginning.. I thought that perhaps I can just mix in with the others, as one big happy family.. but no matter how I tried, I still feel like a outcast... I know that my classmates genuinely wants me to be friends with them... to accept them... but still.. I dun know why but I feel so distant.. I feel as if I will never be part of their family.. I.. =(

Sometimes.. even when surrounded by friends, I still feel so unwanted.. I feel as if they are just being nice.. as if they just dun want to reject me.. I tried to convince myself many many times that they are not this kind of people but still.. I get this feeling so very often.. 

I feel so fake.. as if, just to mix in with the crowd, I am not being myself.. I dun even recognise myself anymore... I dun understand what I am doing, and why am I doing this... I hate this life.. I hate myself for being so weak.. for being able to lose myself just for others...

You know, sometimes,  I still place a protective barrier around myself.. I just feel so unsecure.. sometimes I just wanna run away to a place where nobody knows me.. where I can just be alone.. 

I know it will be harsh, but I will do whatever it takes to get myself back... even if it means being alone once again...  I know that I will be happier this way.. I dun wanna be like a king's jester, doing whatever it takes just to please the king.. I wanna be somebody who I can proudly say that I did not let myself down, somebody who I know will always be me.. 

On monday, it is the start of a new week, changing teams again, it sucks.. =( but perhaps I will get a team which has great people like Lijing and Samuel... but the chances are low.. cuz they were in my cognitive group already... 

I wonder what must I do to be truly happy again..

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